End of a Decade – Goodbye 2019

“Everything that’s shine ain’t always gonna be gold”✨

-Kid Cudi

And looking back on 2019, this really holds true. This past year was tougher than I ever could have imagined. But god help me if I don’t first mention the kind, selfless, caring and strong souls that helped me through all of it. For you, I am indebted. I am grateful. And so humbled that you chose to ride these hurricane hell waves with me. I love you all so much.

2019 took a staggering toll on my mental, emotional and physical health. I experienced things I never thought I would have to. And felt things I didn’t even think existed until that point. Family trauma resurfaced, emotional journeys brought me to my knees in agony, I had a health scare and my mental state suffered deeply having experienced my first two panic attacks. I chipped my tooth, cracked my windshield, pierced my own ears twice, drank way too much and smoked a lot of weed. I guess you could say I was living through a very real quarter life crisis throughout the duration 2019.

I put myself into many situations that I assumed would make me better, more likeable, more experienced. I was always searching for more. And only ever looking for it among what shines. But seriously IT AINT ALL GOLD. I don’t know how it took me almost thirty years to learn that the grass isn’t always greener, but now that I have learned this, I’m more than ready to water all my grass, flowers and even the weeds. But I guess my grass and flowers got enough water over the past decade, to bring other great joys into my life. Joys I didn’t even think were possible, given how I started this off this whole decade.

Ten years ago, I rang in the start of a new decade with my head in a toilet, on the phone confessing my feelings to my high school crush, and crying to my girlfriends between vomits that I will never find a boyfriend, purpose or love. My feelings at 19 were definitely valid, but also a little skewed. As I hadn’t done much of anything yet in life to see how good it can all really be. Cut to a few months later and that crying drunk girl moved away to school, did get a boyfriend, did find great love, and watched as all the other greats began to reveal themselves over the course of the decade.

I moved into my first apartment with the love of my life. Graduated university with honours. Travelled Europe by myself. Modelled in Hawaii. Experienced more love, laughter and light than I ever thought I could. It was a transformative decade, marking moments in time of great success, achievement and maturation as I navigated the very challenge that IS being in your twenties.

And then… 2019 hit. It wasn’t what I thought it would be. It wasn’t anything for me to be proud of or brag about. I wasn’t happy for a lot of it. Yet still, love prevailed, laughter happened a lot and light shone through all the darkness. I saw this after a rough beginning to the decade, I saw it all throughout, and even during one of the worst years of my life, I am able to see it still. I saw it enough to make my newly annual highlight reel of the year. It doesn’t highlight the shitty times, because I didn’t get them on film lol. But it highlights what I want to remember. What I love to rewatch and relive when those anxious demons start to resurface. I am trying my hardest to radiate hope and beauty into a brand new decade. Seriously just having written all of this, seems to help a bit. So here we go. TWENTY-TWENTY. Wowwwwww guys. Wow 😍✨🥂🤩

One thought on “End of a Decade – Goodbye 2019

  1. Aw Emily, though the year was tough you’ve made it through it. Lived to tell the tales AND even gained positive perspectives from it all. How amazing is that? You’ve acknowledged the issues and are now hopefully getting the help and support needed. 2020 will be better. You’re stronger than last year, know more, prepared better. You got this babe. Xo

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