“Everything that’s shine ain’t always gonna be gold”✨
And looking back on 2019, this really holds true. This past year was tougher than I ever could have imagined. But god help me if I don’t first mention the kind, selfless, caring and strong souls that helped me through all of it. For you, I am indebted. I am grateful. And so humbled that you chose to ride these hurricane hell waves with me. I love you all so much.
2019 took a staggering toll on my mental, emotional and physical health. I experienced things I never thought I would have to. And felt things I didn’t even think existed until that point. Family trauma resurfaced, emotional journeys brought me to my knees in agony, I had a health scare and my mental state suffered deeply having experienced my first two panic attacks. I chipped my tooth, cracked my windshield, pierced my own ears twice, drank way too much and smoked a lot of weed. I guess you could say I was living through a very real quarter life crisis throughout the duration 2019.
I put myself into many situations that I assumed would make me better, more likeable, more experienced. I was always searching for more. And only ever looking for it among what shines. But seriously IT AINT ALL GOLD. I don’t know how it took me almost thirty years to learn that the grass isn’t always greener, but now that I have learned this, I’m more than ready to water all my grass, flowers and even the weeds. But I guess my grass and flowers got enough water over the past decade, to bring other great joys into my life. Joys I didn’t even think were possible, given how I started this off this whole decade.
Ten years ago, I rang in the start of a new decade with my head in a toilet, on the phone confessing my feelings to my high school crush, and crying to my girlfriends between vomits that I will never find a boyfriend, purpose or love. My feelings at 19 were definitely valid, but also a little skewed. As I hadn’t done much of anything yet in life to see how good it can all really be. Cut to a few months later and that crying drunk girl moved away to school, did get a boyfriend, did find great love, and watched as all the other greats began to reveal themselves over the course of the decade.
I moved into my first apartment with the love of my life. Graduated university with honours. Travelled Europe by myself. Modelled in Hawaii. Experienced more love, laughter and light than I ever thought I could. It was a transformative decade, marking moments in time of great success, achievement and maturation as I navigated the very challenge that IS being in your twenties.
And then… 2019 hit. It wasn’t what I thought it would be. It wasn’t anything for me to be proud of or brag about. I wasn’t happy for a lot of it. Yet still, love prevailed, laughter happened a lot and light shone through all the darkness. I saw this after a rough beginning to the decade, I saw it all throughout, and even during one of the worst years of my life, I am able to see it still. I saw it enough to make my newly annual highlight reel of the year. It doesn’t highlight the shitty times, because I didn’t get them on film lol. But it highlights what I want to remember. What I love to rewatch and relive when those anxious demons start to resurface. I am trying my hardest to radiate hope and beauty into a brand new decade. Seriously just having written all of this, seems to help a bit. So here we go. TWENTY-TWENTY. Wowwwwww guys. Wow 😍✨🥂🤩